Thinking feels heavy
Aug. 28th, 2025 01:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memory_of_lightwavesI was supposed to be asleep but I wanted to get this out of my head since it's been just...a mess in my mind for days now. I unno if it'll help much but it's something.
For a while now, I've been a kobold. It all started as a shift that I hadn't been paying much attention to so I kind of just, let it happen, enjoying the feeling of my claws and trying to figure out how my feets were positioned while I was standing. But since it hasn't gone away, I don't think I can call it a permashift. This is just me now. I'm still a doll though, just not a kobold doll.
Recently I've been having memories that I was gonna write stories about and maybe I still will but right now I just wanna get it down cause thinking about them is kind of hard in a way. I unno if it's mentally exhausting but it sure is making me feel sleepy and out of it lately.
Through my memories I saw images of myself and my sisters and I really wanna get myself drawn one day.
I remember that we couldn't see in color the same way as hoomans do. We saw in darkness more than color. Everything we saw was some shade of blue and white so we don't know what our "colors" look like to each other. When I say colors I mean like, what we can see now. Brown skin, black hair, blue eyes, that sort of thing. We all looked the same but different.
The only way I got to see my colors was through the eyes of a really nice human man I apparently remember but I think since it was dark it might still not be right but it feels right enough to me, however...I also saw myself through Big Sister's eyes too and my colors look different when I saw them through hers.
The nice hooman saw my hair as long, kind of messy, or maybe it's just wavy, I'm not sure, it looked messy to me, as black and it reached to the base of my tail like a dragon's mane. I still kinna debate if I even had a tail but having a tail feels kind of right so, I guess I did. I still dunno what having a tail even feels like? Do you guys feel your tails if you have them?
But, my tail is really long and kind of...fat? I wouldn't say it's bulky it's just kinna like a dragon's tail, fat the base then as it goes down it becomes kind of thin or average as it tapers and on top is fur that matches my hair, a kinna fluffy mess I guess.
And to him my skin was brown. He didn't see my face though and I think I'm pretty sure that I saw paw claws but it's different when Big Sister sees me. Also, I have fluffs on my wrists and ankles.
To Big Sister, when she sees me, she sees my hair straighter but still a kinna bit messy, it's long like a dragon's mane and it looks kind of blue instead. I think my tail looks the same but it feels like she doesn't pay my tail much mind, which is kind of weird? Or maybe she's just used to it? I unno...
Anyway, Big Sister also sees my skin as a kind of whitish blue and my paws are clawed hands instead like a kobold's kind of...they look humanoid-ish just like me! So I think for sure I'm some kinna half kobold or something. She sees my fluffs as blue too and I have small? Short? Ears that she can barely see because my hair's in the way but they're kind of fluffy and folded over? It's kind of hard to explain without a picture. XS But like, kinna imagine dog-ish ears that are pointed outward but it's folded so you can't see the inside of it and fluffy. I unno if that helps but I tried.
I have four arms and four eyes, with the second set being on top of the normal ones and they're pupiless or...slit like a cat's, I honestly couldn't tell...I think I didn't have any pupils and they looked like a greyish blue to her. I'm also short compared to everybody else in our hive. Like... probably 3 feet tops. Oh and my eyes are round and I have a fat tummy, or... plump tummy? Chubby tummy? It pokes out a bit. XS And I don't have any horns, at least none that I could see. I don't think the hooman saw any either.
I also have this weird feeling that I have some kind of bioluminescence but I don't know if they're scales, some kind of weird pattern on my skin, or spots. I figured out what color they are though. They're kinna like...a whitish yellow? Like some kinna light you'd see in the forest? I'm honestly not sure....I'm still heavily debatin if that's even true...but I do feel SOMETHING on my shoulders. I unno if it's fur or not...I don't even know if they're actually scales. ._.
I'm kinna starting to wonder if that biolumin stuff is something else entirely but I keep mistaking it as that instead. I have no idea what it could be though...maybe it's connected to how we chased the hoomans out of our forest? I really dunno how they see us...they don't stay long enough except that one hooman.
I mentioned it before but, I also remember that we can't go outside during the day? It hurts our eyes too much so we usually just stayed in the house until nightfall if we ever needed to do anything.
But one time, I remember Big Sister and I snuck out and wandered around the forest during the day but we stayed in the really deep parts where the sun couldn't really get in so it was still dark enough for us to see and be fine. I was super nervous about it because Mother said we weren't allowed. I unno if we got in trouble though...
I also remember how we named ourselves. Our names were more like labels like I mentioned in one of my journals before, like Big Sister, Little One, etc. Our parents were Mom and Dad and Mother was the Hivemind we were connected to.
Mother only ever spoke when there was a hooman wandering around so we were pretty free to be independent otherwise.
I think we had other "Siblings" but when we're older we get separated for some reason. I think it's because Mother didn't want us distracted by the boys or other boys in general? Pretty sure there were boys but we never really saw them unless we *really* needed to.
Our lives were actually really simple too. We were knowledgeable about basic essential things and whatever Mother wanted to teach us and whatever our parents taught us.
Oh wait, I think I remember *maybe* why the boys were separated from us. I *think* it was because Father wanted them to be but us girls never really interacted with Father...hmm, I kind of wonder if we even had a Father Hivemind...maybe my brain is making stuff up, I unno anymore. It could also be right...maybe I'll do a thingie post about it once it gets confirmed if at all. Because, I don't remember hearing about Father. Just Mother, our parents, Big Sister, and the other girls. I don't even know if we had brothers... *Thinks really hard* I'll come back to this I guess.
There's a lot of other stuff I remember too but maybe I'll put them in another post later.
For a while now, I've been a kobold. It all started as a shift that I hadn't been paying much attention to so I kind of just, let it happen, enjoying the feeling of my claws and trying to figure out how my feets were positioned while I was standing. But since it hasn't gone away, I don't think I can call it a permashift. This is just me now. I'm still a doll though, just not a kobold doll.
Recently I've been having memories that I was gonna write stories about and maybe I still will but right now I just wanna get it down cause thinking about them is kind of hard in a way. I unno if it's mentally exhausting but it sure is making me feel sleepy and out of it lately.
Through my memories I saw images of myself and my sisters and I really wanna get myself drawn one day.
I remember that we couldn't see in color the same way as hoomans do. We saw in darkness more than color. Everything we saw was some shade of blue and white so we don't know what our "colors" look like to each other. When I say colors I mean like, what we can see now. Brown skin, black hair, blue eyes, that sort of thing. We all looked the same but different.
The only way I got to see my colors was through the eyes of a really nice human man I apparently remember but I think since it was dark it might still not be right but it feels right enough to me, however...I also saw myself through Big Sister's eyes too and my colors look different when I saw them through hers.
The nice hooman saw my hair as long, kind of messy, or maybe it's just wavy, I'm not sure, it looked messy to me, as black and it reached to the base of my tail like a dragon's mane. I still kinna debate if I even had a tail but having a tail feels kind of right so, I guess I did. I still dunno what having a tail even feels like? Do you guys feel your tails if you have them?
But, my tail is really long and kind of...fat? I wouldn't say it's bulky it's just kinna like a dragon's tail, fat the base then as it goes down it becomes kind of thin or average as it tapers and on top is fur that matches my hair, a kinna fluffy mess I guess.
And to him my skin was brown. He didn't see my face though and I think I'm pretty sure that I saw paw claws but it's different when Big Sister sees me. Also, I have fluffs on my wrists and ankles.
To Big Sister, when she sees me, she sees my hair straighter but still a kinna bit messy, it's long like a dragon's mane and it looks kind of blue instead. I think my tail looks the same but it feels like she doesn't pay my tail much mind, which is kind of weird? Or maybe she's just used to it? I unno...
Anyway, Big Sister also sees my skin as a kind of whitish blue and my paws are clawed hands instead like a kobold's kind of...they look humanoid-ish just like me! So I think for sure I'm some kinna half kobold or something. She sees my fluffs as blue too and I have small? Short? Ears that she can barely see because my hair's in the way but they're kind of fluffy and folded over? It's kind of hard to explain without a picture. XS But like, kinna imagine dog-ish ears that are pointed outward but it's folded so you can't see the inside of it and fluffy. I unno if that helps but I tried.
I have four arms and four eyes, with the second set being on top of the normal ones and they're pupiless or...slit like a cat's, I honestly couldn't tell...I think I didn't have any pupils and they looked like a greyish blue to her. I'm also short compared to everybody else in our hive. Like... probably 3 feet tops. Oh and my eyes are round and I have a fat tummy, or... plump tummy? Chubby tummy? It pokes out a bit. XS And I don't have any horns, at least none that I could see. I don't think the hooman saw any either.
I also have this weird feeling that I have some kind of bioluminescence but I don't know if they're scales, some kind of weird pattern on my skin, or spots. I figured out what color they are though. They're kinna like...a whitish yellow? Like some kinna light you'd see in the forest? I'm honestly not sure....I'm still heavily debatin if that's even true...but I do feel SOMETHING on my shoulders. I unno if it's fur or not...I don't even know if they're actually scales. ._.
I'm kinna starting to wonder if that biolumin stuff is something else entirely but I keep mistaking it as that instead. I have no idea what it could be though...maybe it's connected to how we chased the hoomans out of our forest? I really dunno how they see us...they don't stay long enough except that one hooman.
I mentioned it before but, I also remember that we can't go outside during the day? It hurts our eyes too much so we usually just stayed in the house until nightfall if we ever needed to do anything.
But one time, I remember Big Sister and I snuck out and wandered around the forest during the day but we stayed in the really deep parts where the sun couldn't really get in so it was still dark enough for us to see and be fine. I was super nervous about it because Mother said we weren't allowed. I unno if we got in trouble though...
I also remember how we named ourselves. Our names were more like labels like I mentioned in one of my journals before, like Big Sister, Little One, etc. Our parents were Mom and Dad and Mother was the Hivemind we were connected to.
Mother only ever spoke when there was a hooman wandering around so we were pretty free to be independent otherwise.
I think we had other "Siblings" but when we're older we get separated for some reason. I think it's because Mother didn't want us distracted by the boys or other boys in general? Pretty sure there were boys but we never really saw them unless we *really* needed to.
Our lives were actually really simple too. We were knowledgeable about basic essential things and whatever Mother wanted to teach us and whatever our parents taught us.
Oh wait, I think I remember *maybe* why the boys were separated from us. I *think* it was because Father wanted them to be but us girls never really interacted with Father...hmm, I kind of wonder if we even had a Father Hivemind...maybe my brain is making stuff up, I unno anymore. It could also be right...maybe I'll do a thingie post about it once it gets confirmed if at all. Because, I don't remember hearing about Father. Just Mother, our parents, Big Sister, and the other girls. I don't even know if we had brothers... *Thinks really hard* I'll come back to this I guess.
There's a lot of other stuff I remember too but maybe I'll put them in another post later.
