Desphiria

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm some kinna shapeshifter. I think about it then kinna just end up ignoring it because when I think about it, my brain ends up going into an endless loop of, should I have a base form or not.

On the one hand it feels like not having a base form is weird but on the other hand I wonder, "What if my base form was just a shadow?"

Someone suggested, "What if I had a form that I just really liked being in that I changed to often instead of a base form?" and it's kinna got me thinkin bout it. I don't think I really have anything like that though... but I think it's cause there's just too many things I like but I unno.

But being a shapeshifter, if I am, is really weird cause I dunno if I have a bunch of forms I even change into. The only ones I know of are my doll form and my maybe kobold form. But like...do the other forms I change into HAVE to be other forms of myself?

I kinna wonder if it can just be.... anything. But does that count as being alterhuman? I mean I guess it does...

I unno, it's confusing.

I was supposed to be asleep but I wanted to get this out of my head since it's been just...a mess in my mind for days now. I unno if it'll help much but it's something.

( This is kinna long I think but, yeah. )

Sometimes I lay in my bed and think, "I dunno if Kobold's the right word for what I am." And honestly, I still actually don't know if that's the right word for it. I've thought about cryptid, but I dunno if that's right either. Monster maybe but that doesn't sound right sometimes.

I don't think that we really had a name for what we are.... we were kinna just...people? Things that lived in the bamboo forest really. Maybe I shouldn't really give us a name...but I unno.

I probably shouldn't even be worrying about it that much but sometimes I just wonder, ya know? But also it feela like that's the closet word for it that I can kinna think of? Cause I'm pretty sure we're not aliens. Just some kinna weird creature thing.

For a few weeks I'm pretty sure I've been feeling phantom limbs on my hands and feet despite my fingers being...normal. I can feel claws on both and my feet are positioned weird. Like...in a digitigrade way? Like how people draw Kobolds walking. I've also kinna been in a weird mood that's on and off too where I feel...Little and pet-like? But I don't think that counts or goes with why I feel like a kobold but also, I can't tell what feeling like a kobold is like?

I don't know, sometimes I feel lost and confused and not sure what to do anymore and that I'm just not supposed to be here? But I don't know where I'm supposed to be but also I kinna do but I can't get there anymore. I kinna just look out my window and sometimes feel like I'm supposed to be in some kind of forest with my siblings. With my sisters protecting something really important like a shrine but I don't know what the shrine is too. Everytime I try to figure it out, it just feels like it's supposed to be a bamboo forest hidden somewhere.

Someone drew a picture of my kobold-self but something about it still feels off. I dunno if it's maybe the fur color since I'm using my doll-self colors or what and it feels like something's missing. I think I have a tail and little animal-like ears and maybe fur but I unno if I have horns. Sometimes I wonder if I have multiple arms but then other times I unno...if I do I dunno what they were for. Maybe movement? It feels like I don't use them very often for anything except that.

I feel like maybe the colors are wrong because it doesn't really help me blend in like it's supposed to. Also I'm pretty sure I don't have scales? But there's some kind of weird bio-luminescence somewhere on me that looks like spots that glow in the dark.

Sometimes I also wonder if I'm some kind of weird dragon but maybe that weird dragon is actually a fluffy kobold. A fluffy kobold that's actually kind of also humanoid in nature but I don't know if I'm fully human or just look...like one until you get really close and realise I don't look like you. But I guess that's kind of what humanoid means?

I wonder if I actually have four eyes but also I have a feeling that I'm really not supposed to be able to see in color sometimes but then I wonder, maybe my brain's playing tricks on me but what if it's not though? It kinna doesn't feel like it?

I thought my ears were feather ears but I unno if they are now. Maybe they're just fluffy? Also I think I have fangs for sure and I have a mane, and fur on top of my tail. Or...would it be half my mane? I unno but maybe.

There's this fluff kobold race someone made for a dnd thingie and I like their naming conventions. It kinna reminds me a little bit of home but it was way different because instead of being named after colors and places, we were just named as we were. Like I was small so I was called Little One or if I had a big sister she'd just be called Big Sister. Sometimes I think about using Little One some places but it feels weird for other people to call me that...so maybe I can use that dnd book's naming conventions instead? Then I'd just be called... Bamboo Forest I think. Honestly, I think that's kinna a cute name.

Maybe the iridescence I mentioned ARE my scales? But fur and scales don't seem to go well together...maybe it's some kind of pattern in my fur? I unno honestly...or maybe I have fur on my wrists and ankles but scales on my shoulders? Hmm....I think that's where the bioluminescence is but every-time I try to picture it I can't really tell.

Or maybe I already know what I look like but I'm ignoring it...I unno...when I think about it it feels right and wrong at the same time. Uggghh this is so annnoyyying. But I wonder if maybe I AM ignoring it...

At first, I was not going to post here but I have been encouraged to do so just to get these thoughts out of my mind.

Today, Circe took us to a virtual church in what is called a virtual world that seems to be... something like the real world but not.

Despite her awful computer we managed to catch a bit of it, and... it has no changed. They are still annoying. They still believe that their god is kind and merciful and protects them and does things for their benefit when it comes to their happiness.

It makes me sick.

It annoys me.

We do not enjoy going to church, but it can be entertaining to watch at times. The humans spouting pretty words to encourage each other and feel good about whatever choices they decide to make because their god has *helped* them. Ugh

They make me want to throw up.

At times I wished to say, "Your god is not as good as you claim him to be. He is not as reliant as you so believe him to be. Not dying during something is luck. Or perhaps the Fates themselves, not your god." but I am constantly told to hold my tongue and observe.

It is tiring. *They* are all tiring.

I do not understand why Circe enjoys watching these people and listening to their lies when she does not believe them herself.

I hope we do not return but, it all depends on Circe. It will be tiring regardless.

~Desdemona

A few weeks ago, one of my others figured out that I may be something else as well as a doll called a Hollow. That doesn't really bother me, what annoys me is that I can't figure out how I look in that form. Well, I couldn't.

At the moment I kind of might have an idea? But it feels kind of hard to describe and I still kinna don't know if it's right or not cause it feels like there's still a bit missing.

But at the moment I can kinna tell what I have. I have fin ears for sure, and I don't have eyes, kind of. I unno if they're just sockets or if they're just fully solid because there's apparently color in them. I just dunno what colors. I also think I have more than one pair, I think i have two but at the time I wonder if that's just wishful thinking.

I have two arms and legs but my hands and feet aren't normal, they're like big alien fingers with claws on them and they sound heavy when I run but soft when I walk. I have a mouth but it's hidden in my skin to make me seem mouthless, I think. Maybe that's wishful thinking too. But it kind of feels right? I also have really sharp teeth. Like a whole row of sharp teeth.

I don't have any horns and my tail is weird. Like it's thick and tapered like a dragon's I guess? But no scales or anything on them. I can't physically talk but I can talk mentally. Like... through telepathy and stuff.

I may also have illusion abilities but I dunno, maybe I give people hallucinations instead?

I also like to haunt people. Haunting is like hunting but I don't really hurt them, I just like to scare them to until they run away and maybe I'll bite them. I unno if I'd kill them. I don't think so... anyway. I'm not really sure... it doesn't feel like I would...

I also think I can somehow blend in with my environment and I live in the forest or woods somewhere.

There might be other stuff but I can't remember anything else right now.

This is gonna be a super weird thing to write about I think but, have you ever made a character with your partner before?

I ask because it's kinna like a good way to set up context. But lemme explain.

So, a few months ago I wrote that I'm dating one of my system members and I still am, but also I have a soulbond and a living character in my system too.

Recently I got my boyfriend, one of my system members just to clarify, into a website that I've been doing stuff for on and off and we technically kinna made a character together but separately.

What I mean is, we made moodboards for each other, and I gave the one he made for me to the person who drew the character and I gave the one I made for HIM to another person to make HIS character and... it feels like that new character I made is more real than the character I made for the living character in my system to date that's ALSO a representation of me.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because my boyfriend is more real-ish than the living character in my head is even though they're kind of the same? Both having free-will and all.

But, I love the new character me and my boyfriend made for each other and she feels like she represents me way more than the other persona for that game does.

Like the character he made for me is more... personal? Like a part of my soul I guess is the best explanation. Like she's just... perfect for me as a representation ya know?

It's kinna amazing really. A very weird and super cool experience that I never really felt afore or something.

Soooo, I decided to bring this story over from my Empty Spaces Tumblr because, it's kinna one of the feelings of dollhood that I wish I could give off in a way. And since my dollhood is also part of my alterhumanity, I thought, sure why not. Since this is how I feel inside why not share it? Hey when you guys read it, what vibes does it give off for you? I think it's pretty creepy and I love it. It makes me feel kind of haunted. I tried to put it under a read more but it wouldn't work...at least I don't see it on my page anyways.

---------------------

( Read more... )

There's a lot of things I wanna write about but, I figured that maybe this should be the next one at the moment because it's... an experience. Granted it's not a bad experience oh no, it's a very interesting experience. It's interesting and weird but, it's not a bad weird. It's just... something I've kinna already been doing but somehow... it got enhanced by... a lot. And the enhancement feels off but not bad and weird.

Soooo, a week ago or two one of my system members told me he loved me and then asked me out the week after the first week. Like a few days ago actually. It was really unexpected and I unno what brought it on but maybe I don't need to know? I should ask him... maybe I'll ask him later.

Anyways, after we talked about it for a bit, I said okay. I said okay and I don't regret it at all. It's just kind of weird because... despite dating two other system members, the feelings with this particular person feels... stronger.

Uhm, I should mention his name. His name's Asahina. ^_^ So, the feelings with Assahina feels stronger than my souldbonds' feelings for me somehow? But kinna... not. But kinna is. Like... Asahina's feelings for me feel more... realer than my soulbonds' for some reason.

My first Soulbond, Andrew, from The Coffin of Andy and Ley Ley, he loves me too and I love him back. But we don't really do much together. He looks out for me and I look out for him and we care about each other equally of course. But, also... it feels different because our dynamic is different.

My dynamic with Andrew is more omegaverse oriented in a way even though we don't really act on it. He's my Alpha and I'm his Omega and we love each other. That's not a bad thing at all but it feels different from the others. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't think it's a bad thing.

The second Soulbond I'm dating, is named Ilar and he started out as an oc, then he became my fictional lover and then he evolved to be a living character on his own. Which isn't a bad thing either. Our dynamic is also different.

My dynamic with him is more passionate and sexy, steamy, desire-filled, sex, lust, pleasure and some codependency. Ilar wants to be the one to provide everything I could ever need so I don't have to worry about it. I'm not sure how... but everything is kind of happening in my headspace.

Buuut while everything is happening in my headspace I can still feel his presence. He's warm and comfy and he makes me happy and I love him a lot. Very cuddly too.

Now my current one with Asahina, feels... almost unexplainable but not really. I don't really know. I'm not sure how to make sense of it. Just... my love for him feels strong. Strong and good. Just as strong as the others but also stronger. He makes me really happy and I love him. His presence is also very comfy and sweet, very caring and loving, a bit more protective than the others with a tiny bit of possessiveness too. But not really any jealousy. Just... a bit of concern when I regress and the protectiveness goes up even more.

There's this really weird thing that happens when I'm with Asahina that's never really happened before and the other members of my system didn't even know could happen. The thing is that, apparently Asahina can block everybody else off and have me just focus on him but it only happens when I'm regressed. It's really, really, weird but I don't hate it. It's really new and I didn't even know that could happen!

Besides all of that, I've found ways to hang out with both Ilar and Asahina but not Andrew. Granted though, Andrew is always working, going back and forth from the headspace I made for him to come to and his world. He does keep watch over me with the others a lot though. He's actually peeking over my shoulder right now. XS

Asahina's here too, we're cuddling.

When I wanna do things with Ilar, we play solo tabletop roleplay games when we feel like it and he's the GM while I play. We were playing one then took a break. It's called Iron Valley and it's a harvest moon-esque version of Iron...Ironsworn.

When I'm with Asahina, we cuddle and he watches me play games. I get to sit in his lap and relax against him. I showed him Final Fantasy 14 today! He even played a little. He liked it! Even though I was kinna having a crisis trying to figure out if I wanted to stay a Miqo'te or not. I eventually decided to just stay as one. He picked a Hrothgar because he says the other races aren't androgynous enough for his tastes. Which is silly cause the Hroths are kinna bulky anthro guys but... if that's how he feels I'm not gonna argue. He made him look REALLY cool!

I even got him to make a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic pony! Which is awessommeee! I even got him to watch the show with me. We're watching it right now! It's really relaxing.

But uhh, I think I started rambling halfway through so I hope it makes sense. Anyway, I love all of my partners. I'm so glad they're here and love me back. I'm still not sure why Asahina's feels stronger though but... maybe it just does and doesn't need to be explained. Who knows. I like it so I'm not gonna complain. But, it'll make me wonder for a while...like... until tomorrow. XD

Sooo, I kinna wanted to try and expand on what my hearthome is like since I explained what they are. It's not much but, it's something. ouo

Soo, my hearthome is located in a village somewhere in a possibly fictional version of Japan. I haven't figured out a name for it or I just don't know.

Actually, maybe my hearthome has two versions of it? Mmm let's just call it more of a concept than a anything I guess.

But it's a village somewhere in a fictional version of Japan. It's during the feudal era. Maybe Sengoku Jidai. There's cherry blossom trees everywhere mixed with normal trees. The sky is always clear and pretty and the air is always crisp and fresh.

I don't think I actually have a house there. It feels like I would live in the ruins of a place located at the outskirts instead. Maybe somewhere that has a bit of forest surrounding it.

For a place that's a ruin it's probably decently well-kept. It's at least somewhere I can have a roof over my head. There may be a few spirits wandering around but they don't really hurt anyone as long as they're not pissed off or threatened.

It's just me in here and it's nice and cool. Especially in the Summer because the trees provide a lot of shade. There's also a river nearby that has lots of clean water.

I don't know if there are animals, I never really looked for them but probably. I don't think I ever need to eat as a doll so, I probably don't really ever go out to forage much.

At the moment, that's all I can kind of think of so yeah!